Psst ... moms! Commercials are going to try to convince your spouse that jewelry or candy or flowers are the perfect Mother's Day gift, but you know all too well that the important things in life don't hang on a necklace or clip round a wrist. Things like sleep. Understanding. Revenge. Tailor this list to your own special needs, then use it to give your significant other a clue about giving a significant present.

* * * * *

To my loving partner in parenting:

I know you're trying to figure out a Mother's Day present for me (and if you aren't, take this as a big, fat hint).

Jewelry is a lovely thought, but not exactly practical, given that our child might steal, break, perseverate on, or require us to hock anything nice to pay for medical expenses. Candy is always appreciated, but since I've just consumed all the children's Easter sweets to save them from obesity, diabetes, and allergens, I'm not really in the mood. Instead, honey, why not pick one of these gifts I'd really love. They may take a little more effort than something in the Hallmark aisle, but they'll make a big difference to me.

1. You know that material I've been asking you to read about our child's disabilities, that stack about 500 pages high? Read it. Now. Really.

2. Do some research of your own for a change and bring me something I haven't seen before. Then explain it to me.

3. Find the home number of every specialist and educator who ever dissed me and make some really good prank phone calls.

4. Offer to stand guard duty at the bathroom door while I take a nice, long, hot bath, free of constant cries of "Moooooooooooooom."

5. Buy some sturdy boxes for storing all the children's school papers, and then believe me when I say I have to save everything they've ever done for possible documentation of learning progress.

6. Buy some sturdy notebooks for storing all the children's specialist reports, and then organize them for me so I can always find the exact one I want in a snap.

7. Sit down with me for one hour to discuss decisions we have to make about our child's behavior, treatment, schooling, and/or future. No TV watching, newspaper reading, or dozing allowed.

8. Next time you're tempted to make some crack about a neighbor or a teacher or a family member that you just know our child is going to repeat out of context at the worst possible time ... don't. Just don't.

9. More precious to me than diamonds and rubies is a good long nap. Make it happen.

10. Next time we have a dispute over discipline, I win. (What's that? I always win anyway? It's the gift that keeps on giving!)

In talking with families many seemed confused about whether their child had an IEP through the school. To assist families in determining whether their child has an IEP, we felt it would be helpful to apply the Foxworthy test.


If you have ever attended a meeting at school with 25 professionals... your child might have an IEP.

If you are the only one wearing jeans.... your child might have an IEP.

If these professionals speak a different language.... your child might have an IEP.

If the meeting room was the size of a closet... your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been asked, "do you think your child is the only one in the district?"...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever heard, "we do not have money for that!"... your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been called an "overprotective, hysterical parent" or an "uninvolved parent"... your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been told your child "will just grow out of it", "is lazy", "slow", irresponsible", "immature and/or sensitive" etc...etc... your child might have an IEP.

If you feel you have walked into "Assertiveness Training 101" by accident...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been screamed at by a school official...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been told your child will be lucky to grow up and dig ditches...your child might have an IEP.

If it has ever been suggested to move to another District...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been invited to home school your child... your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever called the school and asked for your child and were told "we do not have anyone here by that name..." your child might have an IEP.

If your family is ever discussed in the teachers lounge... your child might have an IEP.

If every time you call the school board office, the person you need to talk to is in a meeting...you might have an IEP.

If a meeting with the school has ever been rescheduled more than twice to the time you definitely can not come...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been patted on the shoulder and called "honey" by the principal...your child might have an IEP.

If it has ever been suggested all your child needs is a "good spanking to straighten him/her up..." your child might have an IEP.

If you have been asked by a teacher to "just sign it!"... your child definitely has an IEP...

If you have ever been called Ms Whitesomething... your child might have an IEP.

If you know your advocate's phone and fax number by heart...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been forced into due process, state court, the district court of appeals, federal court, or the federal circuit court on a fast track to the US Supreme Court... your child might have an IEP.

If you are known as a due process queen... your child might have an IEP.

If you can quote federal statutes in your sleep...your child might have an IEP.
If you have ever requested your child's records and it took two years to receive them...your child might have an IEP.

If you have ever been told, the district doesn't care if you sign the IEP or not, services have ceased...your child might have an IEP.

If you have crossed out the words "Procedural Safeguards" on your copy and written in "Procedural Land Mines"... I know I have...then your child definitely has an IEP...for what it's worth.

If a new teacher went to pull your child's cumulative records and had to make two trips to get it; your child might have an IEP/ You've been through a Due Process.
Your child might have an IEP/ you've been through a Due Process if [enter state DOE legal head here] knows you.

Your child might have an IEP/you've been through a Due Process if you sign all your letters, " I look forward to your written response on or before ten (10) business days."

This was from a FL list by PR and N forwarded by Virginia Widick.

Do You Like These IEP's
by Dr. Suess

I do not like these IEP's
I do not like them Jeeze Louise
We test, we check
We plan, we meet
But nothing ever seems complete

Would you, could you
Like the form?

I do not like the form I see
Not page one, not two, not three
Another change
A brand new box
I think we all
Have lost our rocks

Could you all meet here or there?

We could not meet here or there?
We can not fit anywhere
Not in a room
Not in a hall
There seems to be no space at all

Would you, could you meet again?

I can not meet again next week
No lunch, no prep
Please hear me speak
No, not at dusk, no, not at dawn
AT 4 PM I should be gone

Could you hear while all speak out?
Would you write the words they spout?

I could not hear, I could not write
This does not need to be a fight
Sign here, date there
Mark this, check that
Beware the student's advocat (e)

You do not like them
So you say
Try again! Try again!
And you may

If you will let me be
I will try them
You will see

Say! I almost like these IEP's I think I'll write 103
And I will practice day and night
Until they say
You got it right.